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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24841837">If motionless dolls smiling in the dark scare you, that means you're a normal person</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cat_thy_yours/pseuds/cat_thy_yours'>cat_thy_yours</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gintama</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-shogun assassination arc, because helpless Gintoki is best Gintoki, please don't spoil the end of the manga I haven't read it yet, ref to benizakura arc</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:55:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,138</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24841837</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cat_thy_yours/pseuds/cat_thy_yours</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Gintoki's too dumb to ask for help when he needs it and Hijikata's too stubborn not to give it anyway.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hijikata Toshirou &amp; Sakata Gintoki, Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>315</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. You always reap what you sow, even when you're not a farmer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Have you ever wondered how amanto and humans understand each other? Is it a universal translator kind of thing like in Star Trek? Do you know Star Trek? Yeah, this series of questions has absolutely nothing to do with the actual story.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Toushirou was making his usual rounds around the park when he saw him.  </p><p>The night was fresh, 2:34 am on the dot. Most drunkards had either gone home or were on their way, tripping over thin air under the bleary streetlights. All that were left now were the ones who'd nowhere to trip their way back to. The homeless, for one; the runaways, for another.  </p><p>The drifters who’d lost their way long ago. </p><p>Toushirou looked at the figure on the bench and briefly wondered what category this one belonged to. Maybe all three. Most likely none.  </p><p>The Yorozuya wasn’t homeless (yet), was too old to be a runaway, and had no right to be lost when he had two kids constantly steering him in life's overall direction. Yet, there he was, slouching on a dirty bench by a desolated park in the middle of the night, making a general nuisance of himself by simply being there. </p><p>Toushirou let the annoyance come and go with a whiff of his cigarette. He wouldn’t get involved, he was smarter than that. Shrugging the vision off like he would a ghost, he walked on, intent on finishing his rounds for the night and get his much-deserved rest. </p><p>It was exactly 3:11 am when he walked by that bench again.  </p><p>Toushirou got rid of his half-finished (second) cigarette and lit up a new (third) one. He just knew he’d need a lasting reserve of nicotine for this.  </p><p>The silver perm didn’t move even when he walked all the way up to him. Still gazing at the invisible moon with a slack expression, still sprawled like a drunk claiming two seats for himself, still wearing nothing but his half sleeve kimono in the middle of a winter night. </p><p>“Oi.” </p><p>The man didn’t move but his lips did. “What do you want, tax thief?” </p><p>“What do you mean what do I want?” Toushirou snapped. “I’m a cop and you’re a suspicious person. Go home before I arrest you.” </p><p>“Isn’t that abuse of power, Mr. Officer? I’ll report you.” </p><p>“To who?”  </p><p>The man actually pondered his answer. “To Kestuno Ana, she’ll listen to me. And she’s great at giving reports too, we'll be a pair.” </p><p>“That was a rhetorical question.” Toushirou hugged his scarf closer. “Besides, if you actually cared about that weather reporter, you would have known that tonight's the coldest night of the month. What’s with that outfit? Are you picking a fight with winter? Is that your new hobby?” </p><p>“Shut up, I dropped my jacket when I was running earlier.” </p><p>“Why were you running?” </p><p>“Had to buy JUMP before the shop closed.” </p><p>Toushirou hummed as he tipped off the ash. “So you’ve been sitting here, with neither JUMP nor jacket, for more than seven hours?” </p><p>“It was a seven eleven.” </p><p>“Where's the JUMP?” </p><p>“Dropped it on my way back.” </p><p>Toushirou sighed. “Go home, Yorozuya, I’m too tired for this. You’ll worry China or something.” </p><p>The man had the nerve to laugh. “Eh? Could it that you’re worried? Is the demon vice chief worried about Gin-san and using a child to express his feelings? You really are a tsundere, huh, Hijikata-kun.” </p><p>“Should I drag you home myself?” Toushirou suggested through gritted teeth. </p><p>“Come on,” the man whined. “Stop being a clingy ass and be on your way already. Don’t you have some police stuff to do? I didn’t take you for a slacker.” </p><p>Funny, how the Yorozuya was growing visibly desperate for Toushirou to leave. The obvious attempts at riling him up would have worked on any other day but the policeman had his instincts rising instead. The situation was suspicious, to say the least. Entertaining, to say a little more.  </p><p>“You're right,” Toushirou said. “I should do my duty as a policeman and usher an unstable person home.” </p><p>“Who’s unstable?” The man said in indignation. </p><p>“You’re the definition of instability. That natural perm is evidence enough.” </p><p>The perm clicked his tongue. “At least I don’t have gravity-defying bangs.” </p><p>Toushirou refused to take the bait. “Will you get up of do I have to cut you up first?” </p><p>“Hijikata-kun, I don’t think I can get up if you cut me up.” </p><p>“My point exactly.” </p><p>The man huffed. “Alright alright. I’ll go home. But I’m shy so you have to go home first.” </p><p>“Hahh? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard today.” Toushirou was nearing the end of his cigarette. “And I chased after Katsura's group today.” </p><p>“Oi, now I’m offended.” </p><p>He sucked in one last whiff of nicotine before dropping his finished cigarette to the ground and squashing it with a shoe. </p><p>“That’s littering, officer.” </p><p>“Your existence is littering,” Toushirou retorted. “Yorozuya, for the last time, go home.” </p><p>“I said I’ll go home after you go home. Are you deaf or just stupid?” </p><p>“Have it your way,” Toushirou muttered.  </p><p>He grabbed the Yorozuya's naked arm with a demon vice grip befitting of his demon vice chief surname. The moment his hand made contact with the skin, however, he almost recoiled. The man was<em> freezing</em>. </p><p>“Oi oi oi, what are you doing Hijikata-kun?” His voice was at least a pitch higher. “Molesting? Are you molesting me? I’ll report you asshole!” </p><p>“Will you shut up and just-” </p><p>Following his words, Toushirou abruptly tugged up the arm and prompted the rest of the body to follow. </p><p>The Yorozuya's voice grew more panicked the higher he rose. “No, wait, this is a very bad idea—” </p><p>Toushirou only understood a little too late why the man had been so adamant on sitting still, when he realized that not only the arm but the whole package of limbs felt unnaturally limp. </p><p>Too late, as he’d said, for the silver permed man was already doing a free fall toward the ground. Toushirou managed to catch him before the collision on reflexes alone. </p><p>“What the hell,” he said eloquently, supporting an unexpected dead weight all of a sudden. </p><p>“Ah, damnit,” the other man said above his shoulder, his breath warming up Toushirou’s ear. “That’s why I warned you.” </p><p>“Warned me?” The policeman spluttered. “You didn’t say shit about this! What even is this?” </p><p>“I did warn you, you friggin' moron. If you’d thought of something other than mayonnaise for a second you would have understood what I meant.” </p><p>“No I wouldn’t! And I wasn’t thinking about mayonnaise you shitty perm head!” </p><p>The man had the nerve to sigh right in Toushirou's ear, prompting a shiver. “Aah, this is the worst. Hey, is it your arm around my waist right now? Is it? Ugh, I’m gonna throw up.” </p><p>Toushirou took away his arm and unceremoniously let the man drop. He landed with a satisfactory thud. “Just try it.” </p><p>“You f—” The perm head wheezed at his feet. “I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it right here, right now, right on your overpriced tax thief boots. Just you wait, bastard.” </p><p>“I'll be waiting,” Toushirou deadpanned before he walked away.  </p><p>He’d barely taken two steps when the perm idiot's voice rang. “No, wait, Hijikata-kun?! Wait wait wait wait wait, are you just gonna leave me like this? Isn’t that too cruel? At least put me back on the bench!” </p><p>After another couple of steps, Toushirou stopped and looked back. The Yorozuya was still very much in the position he’d left him in, half on his knees half on his side, arms all over the place, and cheek digging into the cold asphalt. All in all, he looked ridiculous. </p><p>“Yorozuya, what’s this?” </p><p>“What do you think?” The man seethed. </p><p>“I’m asking you because I can’t come up with a reasonable explanation as to why you suddenly became quadriplegic.” </p><p>“Not quadriplegic,” he retorted. “Just momentarily out of order.” </p><p>“You’re not a machine.” </p><p>“How would you know?” </p><p>Toushirou walked closer and graced the cheek that wasn’t embracing the ground with a taste of his foot. </p><p>“Ow ow Hijikata-kun?!” The man hissed in pain. “What are you doing? What’s with this new character trait? The Shinsengumi doesn’t need another sadist!” </p><p>Toushirou hummed. “So it does hurt. Glad to confirm you’re not a machine then.” </p><p>When he took his shoe off, there was a blatant red imprint left on the skin. But Toushirou hadn’t put in that much force. The red color was so intense because the Yorozuya’s skin was pale enough to contrast well. Paler than usual, even. Which was weird, considering how cold he was supposed to be. </p><p>“What happened?” He asked. </p><p>“I ran so fast I exhausted myself,” the Yorozuya lied. </p><p>Toushirou clicked his tongue, his patience threatening to take an impromptu leave sooner than later. He tried thinking of a reason for the Yorozuya’s current state but came out empty. He didn’t reek of sake so alcohol was out of the game, and the cold was more a consequence than a cause in this case. He briefly thought of the animators being lazy like usual before he remembered this was a fanfiction and there were no animators anywhere. Just what in the world- </p><p>A terrifying idea sprung to mind.  </p><p>Toushirou gulped. “C- Could it be, y- you...” He forced the words out. “K- K- Kanashibari-” </p><p>The perm head gave him his flattest stare. “That’s not it, moron. Stop stuttering, you’re disgusting.” </p><p>Toushirou hid a sigh of relief behind a shoe (a shoe on the Yorozuya’s face). “Then what is it, dickhead?” </p><p>“Put me back on my bench.” </p><p>Toushirou resisted the urge to go for a fourth cigarette. After a moment of considering his options, studying the vulnerable man at his feet, he groaned and grabbed the limp figure, settling it up his shoulder before standing up. </p><p>“Hijikata-kun?” </p><p>“What?” </p><p>“Where are we going? My bench isn’t that way.” </p><p>“I’m taking you back to your kids' place.” He readjusted his grip on the man's waist, trying to ignore how even the clothes felt icy cold. He wondered how long it’d have taken for the man to die of hypothermia. </p><p>“Huh. That’s nice of you.” </p><p>“Idiot, I’m a cop. That’s what I do.” </p><p>“But don’t you think the sack carry is a bit unbecoming of a main character?” </p><p>“I’ll drop you.” </p><p>The Yorozuya was blessedly silent after that and Toushirou wondered how he’d even managed to be his usual blabbermouth when his lips looked that purple. They walked down the empty streets of the suburbs in direction of the Kabuki District. </p><p>“Oi, Yorozuya,” Toushirou called after a moment. </p><p>The man grunted. </p><p>“Bastard, are you sleeping?” </p><p>“M'not.” </p><p>Toushirou clicked his tongue but decided to ignore it. “Yorozuya, not everyone’s a stubborn cop like me. Next time, just ask for help.” </p><p>There were a few seconds of consideration before the other mumbled, “I’ll keep that in mind.” </p><p>They continued, or rather Toushirou continued his way down the street, his shoulder growing a bit numb under the strain. He was about to complain about the weight when suddenly, he heard it. </p><p>The sound of footsteps, keeping close.  </p><p>They were being followed. </p><p>Was that a friend of his or of the Yorozuya’s? Toushirou didn’t know what to expect but if it was a rebel, he’d cut him down. If it wasn’t... he'd probably cut him down anyway. </p><p>The moment he reached for his sword, the figure lunged and closed the distance in a split second. He barely had the time to turn around that he was met with the barrel of a gun. </p><p>“Move an inch and I bust your head open.” Although the figure was cloaked, there was no doubt that it was an amanto. </p><p>“And what kind of joker are you?” Toushirou asked, his grip tightening unconsciously around the Yorozuya’s waist. </p><p>“None of your concern,” the amanto snapped back. He reached for some kind of radio. “I found him, my coordinates-” </p><p>He got interrupted by a kick to the jaw. Toushirou watched in confusion as the radio dropped to the ground and the gun jerked to the left. That kick had certainly not come from him. </p><p>“Run idiot!” </p><p>The sound of the Yorozuya’s voice broke him out of his daze and he looked down at the pair of legs still dangling from his shoulder. Had the perm head been the one to kick the guy? If he'd lied about being paralyzed, Toushirou would definitely have his head. For now, though, he proceeded to kick the gun away from its owner’s grasp and was about to take his sword out when another hiss from the lump on his shoulder distracted him. </p><p>“What are you trying to look cool for?! Just run away already, others are coming!” </p><p>“Why would I run from a criminal right in front of me?” Toushirou retorted. </p><p>“It’s not that simple,” the Yorozuya seethed. “Come on, listen to me for once and get us away from here! I’ll give you 300 yen!” </p><p>“That’s not even one bottle of mayonnaise,” Toushirou grumbled. He complied anyway, sending one last kick to the amanto’s face before sprinting away. As much as running from a fight rubbed him the wrong way, he had to concede that the Yorozuya’s current state was far from ideal. He’d have to dump him in the nearest dumpster before he could focus on that amanto bastard properly. </p><p>Losing his pursuer after a couple of badly lit alleys, Toushirou eventually dropped off his cargo on top of a trash bin and allowed himself a moment to catch his breath. </p><p>“So,” he said, “what the hell was that about?” </p><p>The Yorozuya looked away. “A fanboy of sorts.” </p><p>“I thought your stalker was a woman.” </p><p>He shrugged. “Gin-san's popular.” </p><p>Toushirou leaned his back on the wall. “Is he the reason you’re like this?” </p><p>A sigh. “I guess, now that it's come to this, there’s no real point in lying.” His eyes turned into flashback mode. “It all began when I was walking back home after a few cups of sake...” </p><p><em> Cursing under his breath at his unsteady legs, Gintoki took a breath from walking and leaned against the nearest pole. He was feeling dizzy and hungry at the same time, an aftereffect of drinking on a full day's worth of an empty stomach. His gaze roamed the street until it caught sight of something: there, laying abandoned and defenseless on the ground, was a chocolate bar. Taking a few steps closer, Gintoki realized it was the newly released strawberry-chocolate flavored Meiji bar. He’d never had the chance to taste it since it had become sold out in barely a day. Gintoki felt it was fate. He crouched to tie his shoelaces and, shut up mayo freak, who cares if he doesn’t have shoelaces he’s trying to tell a story here, yes there’s a point to this story did he think Gin-san was stupid, anyway this is a flashback so could he just shut up and let him finish, where was he again, ah right, so he crouched and casually took the Meiji bar– </em> </p><p>“Oi!” Toushirou grabbed the Yorozuya’s collar. “This flashback is a mess, forget about the Meiji bar and get to the point already!” </p><p>“That’s why I said, let me finish! This part is important!” </p><p><em> *cough* alright, so he crouched and took the Meiji bar, checking his surroundings to make sure no one had seen– </em> </p><p>“You’re the definition of pathetic.” </p><p><em> –and went back to his pole. Gintoki wasn’t an idiot so he waited at least two minutes, wait, no, maybe closer to one minute, or was it thirty seconds? Still, more than thirty seconds, which was a feat considering how much he was craving the Meiji bar, but Gintoki had his pride as a samurai on the line and he couldn’t be seen as just another madao– </em> </p><p>“Yorozuya, I swear if you don’t cut it out I’ll slice you a second butt line.” </p><p>“Man, you’re such a stuck up ass.” He huffed. “Fine fine, have it your way but don’t come crying if you don’t get it.” </p><p><em> And so, Gintoki shared a moving handshake with the owner of Meiji Corporation. </em> </p><p>“You’re still hung up on Meiji!” Toushirou was getting so fed up he couldn’t light a cigarette if he tried. “What, so that really was it? Did you eat a rotten chocolate bar that you picked up on the ground and get stomach cramps so bad you couldn’t move?! And what’s with that bullshit ending?! As if the owner of such a big corporation would want anything to do with someone like you!” </p><p>“I told you not to come crying to me! This and that happened and it led to that, if you’d just listened you wouldn't be confused!” </p><p>“This and that?! What the hell is 'this and that'?! Shut up, I don’t wanna know!” </p><p>“What do you want then?! If you’re just gonna be a whiny ass then stop wasting my time and get lost!” </p><p>“Who are you telling to get lost–” Toushirou cut off and blinked, his scowl fading. He let go of the Yorozuya’s collar slowly and crossed his arms before sending him a glare. “Bastard, after all this you’re<em> still </em>trying to get me to leave? Just how stubborn are you?” </p><p>The perm head clicked his tongue. “Not as much as you are, apparently.” </p><p>“I’m involved now, whether you want it or not.” Toushirou grabbed a cigarette from his pack and placed it between his lips. He wouldn’t smoke, not when he was hiding from enemies, but the presence made it easier to regain his calm. “So, tell me what really happened.” </p><p>The Yorozuya remained silent, his eyes on the alley's end. Toushirou stared at him while doing his best not to indulge in his homicidal impulses. This man was the best of the worst when it came to being an idiot. Toushirou didn’t know whether to be more insulted by the fact that the Yorozuya didn’t trust him enough to allow him to help or by his own stubborn desire to help anyway.  </p><p>Really, they were laughable, the both of them. </p><p>“You’re not involved,” the Yorozuya eventually said. “Do me a favor and turn a blind eye on this suspicious person, Mr. Officer.” </p><p>His eyes, when they met Toushirou’s, were earnest. The kind of earnest that made Toushirou want to smash his permed head on the wall again and again until the blood washed it away. Until that foolish man could realize that Toushirou was right here and here to stay. </p><p>Taking advantage of his current state, Toushirou grabbed the Yorozuya’s chin and brought them face to face, not without getting a wince out of the helpless man when he dug his nails in. “Yorozuya, look at me, and look<em> well</em>. If you think this is the face of someone who owes you any fucking favor, you’re the blind one here.” </p><p>He didn’t let go, his fingers still clutching the pale skin and his eyes never leaving the ones before him. The Yorozuya stared back without saying anything, a flicker of...<em> something </em>in his expression that disappeared before Toushirou could put a name on it. </p><p>His eyes did sparkle during close-ups, he noted. </p><p>“Your game of hide and seek is over.” </p><p>Toushirou jerked away and turned to face the voice on the other side of the alley. A group of four cloaked amantos was standing there, armed and led by a fifth whose face was uncovered. His face was white, bare of any nose with red streaks curling around his pale green eyes.  </p><p>Toushirou grabbed the handle of his sword. “You have more fanboys than you deserve, Yorozuya.” </p><p>The amanto leader gave him a critical look. “And who might you be?” </p><p>“When asking for a name,” Toushirou said as he unsheathed his sword, “one should name themselves first, don’t you think?” </p><p>“I have no name to give to the likes of you.” The green eyes snapped up to stare at the Yorozuya’s still figure. “I have business with this one only. Leave or die here, make your decision quickly.” </p><p>Toushirou smirked. “What if I don’t like either option?” </p><p>A frown. “Death then.” </p><p>Toushirou’s grip tightened on his weapon, his muscles tense and at the ready for what was sure to come next, when a soft clanking sound resounded next to him. </p><p>“Oi oi, you sure are a persistent bunch, aren’t you?” The Yorozuya had dropped from the bin, a smile on his lips as he walked closer until he stood just before Toushirou. “I could swear I already told you I don’t do photos.” </p><p>The amanto leader grinned without humor. “I must say, for you to escape in that condition was impressive.” His grin turned to a scowl. “That won’t happen twice.” </p><p>The perm head laughed. “We’ll see about tha– <em>ahh?” </em> </p><p>Toushirou had cut off the man with a hand on his face before he could spout any more bullshit, pushing him aside as he made his way forward. “So<em> you </em>are the reason this guy’s like this. Care to explain?” </p><p>Before he could get an answer, the Yorozuya pushed him in turn. “Bastard, what the fuck are you doing to my big come back scene?!” </p><p>Toushirou wondered if it was too late to light his cigarette now. He pushed back. “What 'comeback'? You can barely stand on two legs, make yourself useful and stand down while I take care of this.” </p><p>“Take care of this? You don’t even know what 'this' is!” </p><p>“Maybe if you’d told me when I asked I would have known by now!” </p><p>“I didn’t tell you precisely because didn’t want you to stick your nose in my business –” </p><p>The Yorozuya’s eyed widened mid-argument. Before Toushirou could blink, the man had pushed him aside with so much force he collided with the wall. “What the f –” </p><p>A sharp whistle. The Yorozuya almost lost his balance when five needles stabbed him in the torso, the leg, the shoulder. He winced through gritted teeth. </p><p>“Since the last time wasn’t enough, I increased the dosage a bit.” The amanto leader's arm was still outstretched from his throw. “This much will tame any beast, even if that beast is you, Shiroyasha.” </p><p>The Yorozuya’s wooden sword was slipping from increasingly trembling fingers. He bit his lower lip hard enough to taste blood, sending the amanto a glare. “You, what’s your deal? What’s with the poisoned needles? Let’s fight fair and square, this isn’t fun at all.” </p><p>“Who said I wanted to fight you?” The green eyes narrowed. “I will be taking you with me, Shiroyasha. Your death holds no value if I don’t make you wish for it first.” </p><p>“Torture, is it?” The Yorozuya’s knees almost buckled but he used his wooden sword to remain upright. “Aren’t you the romantic fellow, kidnapping innocent young ones to make them scream all night.” </p><p>“Innocent...” The amanto burst into a sinister bout of laughter. “Innocent he says! As if I would waste my time on someone I have no business with.” </p><p>A pant. “And what’s your business with me, Mr. Romantic?” </p><p>“My business with you, Shiroyasha,” the amanto said as he walked closer. “Is to avenge the death of my brother.” </p><p>“Brother –”  </p><p>He was cut off by a kick to the guts, sending him crumpling to his knees. “Yes, <em> brother. </em> You took his life on that Kiheitai ship, months ago.” </p><p>“You –“ He hacked a cough. “You’re from the Harusame...!” </p><p>Another kick, to the jaw this time. “That’s right, I am from the Harusame. Vice-commander of the third division and, starting from today, your executioner.” </p><p>Even from his position on the ground, the Yorozuya found it in himself to smile. “Didn’t think you bastards were the type to care about family... Honor among thieves, was it?” </p><p>The amanto glowered. “Being a mercenary doesn’t rob me from the right to grieve.” </p><p>“And you’re killing me as a way of grieving...? Think that'll work...?” A short, hollow laugh. “Grief... isn’t that easy.” </p><p>The amanto crouched, grabbing a handful of the silver curls and pulling them up to face level. “You’re right, killing you won’t bring my brother back. But you know, as meager a satisfaction as your death will prove to be...” His lips curled into a cruel grin. “I’m willing to take it.” </p><p>He smashed the Yorozuya’s head against the stone wall.  </p><p>After the resounding crunch, he let go of the bloodied hair and rose, wiping his hand on his pants. “Take him, we're heading back.” </p><p><em> “No you’re not.” </em> </p><p>The expression on his face as he whirled around to find himself less than an inch away from the tip of Toushirou's sword was almost funny. But Toushirou enjoyed even more the incredulous widening of his eyes as he noticed his companions lying motionless under the Shinsengumi trademark boots.  </p><p>Toushirou was smiling but his eyes weren’t. “You’re going to stay right here while I chop you to a thousand and one pieces.” </p><p>The amanto reached for his sleeve at the same time as Toushirou reached for his neck. He didn’t get the neck but his blade came out satisfyingly wet after a slash to his arm, forcing the amanto to drop his needles. But it wasn’t over. With his other arm, the white-faced bastard took out what looked like a gun. Toushirou took a step to the side, avoiding the incoming bullet before it could think of hitting him and went for another slash.  </p><p>It had been a feint. The gun hadn’t been a gun but a smoke bomb of some sort and Toushirou was forced into a coughing fit. He still swung his sword down where he thought he could see the smoke moving, but only managed to cut the air as he heard the tell-tale sound of someone running away. </p><p>Toushirou didn’t try to catch him. He waited for a few minutes until the smoke cleared before sheathing his sword and turning around. </p><p>The Yorozuya was laying there, his body still, blood seeping silently from his silver hair to the floor. </p><p>He walked closer and crouched, looking for a pulse. He had the strongest fucking urge to smoke when he found one.  </p><p>Toushirou took a second to calm his own pulse.  </p><p>“Oi, Yorozuya,” he called. “Oi, can you hear me? Are you conscious? Oi.” </p><p>His face was covered by the bloodied hair and Toushirou didn’t dare touch it, afraid of aggravating the wound. That slam on the wall had sounded... painful. </p><p>“Yorozuya,” he called again. Maybe he should call an ambulance. Yeah, he’ll do that.  </p><p>He reached for his phone, hitting the keys of 911 despite the slight tremor in his fingers. </p><p>Before he could hit the call button, a groan stole his attention. “Five more minutes...” </p><p>To hell with it. If Toushirou aggravated his injury, the idiot had deserved it. He pinched the Yorozuya’s cheek. “Oi, bastard, if you don’t snap out of it in less than a second I’m knocking you out for real.” </p><p>“Ugh... what’s with you?” The Yorozuya winced when a remnant of smoke made him cough. “What’s with all the bad guys always slamming me against a wall...? That’s not the right way to do a kabedon...” </p><p>“If you still have the energy to be a moron, I guess you’re fine.”  </p><p>Toushirou finally, <em>finally </em>lit the cigarette he’d been munching on for far too long, reveling in that first, wonderful intake of nicotine. He focused back on his phone and hit different keys until he could hear Harada's voice on the other side of the line. </p><p><em> “Vice-commander?” </em> </p><p>“Harada, get a car and a couple men to the fifth alley from the right intersection after the entrance of the park in front of–” </p><p>
  <em> “Sir, I can just track your phone.” </em>
</p><p>“Do it quick then, I’m on the move. You'll find four knocked out amantos there, I want them secured.” </p><p><em> “Roger.” </em> </p><p>He flipped his phone shut. “Alright, let’s get you moving.” </p><p>“This time I really...” The Yorozuya closed his eyes as if admitting it was physically painful. “... can’t move.” </p><p>“I’m not blind, I can see that.” He could also see that the man was sweating, breathing in soft pants. Was it an effect of the drugs? The wound? Both? “Doesn’t change the fact that we're moving.” </p><p>He grabbed the Yorozuya’s arms, slowly enough not to jostle his head too much, and brought them up his shoulders. Next, he cupped the man's knees and rose, the weight now familiar as it rested on his back. They left the bloody alley and made their way down the street. </p><p>“Where...” The voice was weak as it tickled his ear. “Where are you...?” </p><p>“Hospital.” He wanted so badly to run but settled for a quick walk instead, preferring to spare the man the joys of a bitten tongue. It was still faster than calling for an ambulance; they thankfully weren’t far. </p><p>“Don’t... not the hospital...” </p><p>“Hahh? What are you saying? You need medical attention dickhead.” There, Oedo Hospital was just at the corner of that street. </p><p>“No hospital... I'm broke...” </p><p>“How can you care about your wallet in that situation?! Forget it, I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” </p><p>“No...” </p><p>“Yes.” </p><p>*chomp* </p><p>Toushirou was startled to a stop at the sensation of teeth sinking in his neck. “Did... did you just bite me? You<em> bit </em>me?! What the hell, Yorozuya?!” </p><p>“No hoshpital,” the man said against his skin.  </p><p>His limbs were limp but his jaw sure was working. “Ow, damnit, stop it you dead-eyed piranha! Stop– Ow! Okay okay, no hospital I got it so just–!” </p><p>The teeth finally retreated to his immense relief and the Yorozuya gave him a tentative lick instead and<em> what </em><em>the </em><em>hell?!  </em>“Don't lick me! What’s wrong with you?!” </p><p>The man had the nerve to giggle. Toushirou promised himself he would show him fifty shades of hell when the bastard was on his feet again. </p><p>Ever a man of his word, Toushirou gave in to the reckless demand and decided to do the next best thing and bring the decaying corpse to the barracks instead. They were close enough, another five minutes walk, and their nurse was pretty efficient. Besides, he could empathize with the Yorozuya if only a little; he, too, would rather be anywhere than in a hospital. </p><p>It must be nearing 4 am now, Toushirou idly thought. The man on his back was no longer saying a word, having lost to the bad mix of poison, cold, and exhaustion. Toushirou made a mental note to check for the nature of the paralyzing drug with the nurse. The Shinsengumi having dealt with countless such situations before, there had to be an antidote somewhere. </p><p>Still... The Harusame Space Pirates, of all people.  </p><p>“You’ve got to have a death wish...” he mumbled unconsciously. </p><p>A small sound of laughter surprised him; he’d thought the Yorozuya was sleeping. </p><p>“Only sometimes...” Came the reply to a question he hadn’t asked. “Like... on Monday mornings...” </p><p>“Today’s Thursday.” </p><p>“Yeah...” The soft tuft of silver curls tickled Toushirou’s neck as the Yorozuya buried his face deeper into the crook of his shoulder. “Don’t feel like dying today.” </p><p>Toushirou snorted. “Why, isn’t that good to know.” </p><p>The Yorozuya didn’t say anything for a moment and Toushirou thought he’d remain this way for the rest of the way, until his voice picked up again, lower, softer than before, to ask the most ridiculous thing. “Say... why are you carrying me?” </p><p>Toushirou could almost laugh. “What's with that question? Because you can’t stand on your own, obviously.” </p><p>“...am I heavy?” </p><p>“Damn right you are.” </p><p>He heard a chuckle. “Good.” </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Are people still reading GinHiji in 2020? I am, and there's barely enough content on this site to satisfy me. To anyone reading this, please write some. I'll read you.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Playing Twister is almost as dangerous as skiing on a red slope</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Notes, huh. Well, anyone catching all the references in this chapter gets a homemade vegan chocolate cookie from me. Do your best, people.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yamazaki was the first one to greet him when they reached the barracks. “Vice-commander! Harada captain has just left with– is that the Yorozuya Danna?”  </p><p>Toushirou stepped up the porch and went in the direction of the nurse room. “Don’t cut off in the middle of a report, Zaki. I'll cut you.”  </p><p>Yamazaki scrambled after him. “I’m sorry! Harada Captain has just left the barracks with Yamaguchi-san and Hirota-san following your orders. But Vice-commander, is that the Yorozuya Danna?”  </p><p>“No, just trash I picked up on the way.” He opened the sliding door to see the room empty of anyone. “Call the nurse.”  </p><p>“Yes sir!” Yamazaki saluted and fled the room.  </p><p>Toushirou switched on the light and crouched next to the closest futon. He rotated the silver-haired man on his back to make him lay down, being somewhat careful not to let the limp tangle of limbs crash-land. A few droplets of blood immediately soaked the pillow, making him cringe; he’d forgotten about that. Oh well, he wasn’t the one in charge of the laundry anyway.   </p><p>However much he tried to do minimal damage, the Yorozuya still ended up whining. "Ow ow- don't you know the meaning of 'delicate', Hijikata-kun? No wonder girls aren't into you when you're like this!" </p><p>"Be grateful I'm not letting you rot outside, you sorry bastard." He glanced down at the mess of dirt, soil, and other unidentifiable substances staining the man's clothes and dirtying the sheets. "Someone who can't even get their murky shoes off shouldn't be allowed in the barracks in the first place." </p><p>A cute little angry mark graced the Yorozuya's face as he smiled. "Mmh? That's strange, I don't remember asking you to bring me to your doghouse though? I would have been very happy to stay outside where I'd <em>still</em> be if some annoying, irritating, aggravating, exasperating, irrita- <em>uing</em><em>.</em>" </p><p>"What are you, a Thesaurus?" Toushirou asked as he pinched one of the pale cheeks.  </p><p>"Oi." </p><p>"And you were about to say irritating twice. Is your imagination really that limited?" He tugged the skin back and forth, somewhat fascinated by how stretchy it was. </p><p><em> "Oi." </em> </p><p>Toushirou felt his amusement morph into a growing case of uneasiness as he managed to drag the cheek further than what he'd thought humanly possible. </p><p>"Oi!" The Yorozuya called for the third time, popping a third vein for the occasion. "I'll charge you for sexual harassment if you don't cut it out! Don't think I won't!" </p><p>"Yorozuya," Toushirou said, choosing his tone carefully. "I knew you had a complex about your plainness as a main character, but this is... You'll be the one to get a lawsuit at this rate." </p><p>"Hahh? What kind of bullshit are you spouting now? And let my cheek go already!" </p><p>"You made a ton of parodies but to think you were being serious..." Toushirou let go of the skin. It made a slapping sound as it bounced back to normalcy at an alarming speed. "I... I think I'd better talk to Kondou-san about this," he said, preparing to stand up. </p><p>"Oi oi, don't get your mayonnaise panties in a bunch. I still don't know what you're talking about here." </p><p>"No, I mean..." Toushirou hesitated. "Aren't you gonna say 'I'll become the King of the Hopeless-Homeless-Any-Word-With-Less' and start gomu-gomuing your way to a court trial or something?" </p><p>"What kind of crap are you coming up with?!" The Yorozuya snapped. "Come on, you know me better than that. As if I'd settle for anything less than 'King of the Parfaits'." </p><p>"I think I'd better talk to Kondou-san about this," Toushirou repeated as he made to stand up. </p><p>"No, wait, Hijikata-kun! I'm joking! This is just an unavoidable character trait for my Ginpachi persona, don't report me!" </p><p>"...what's that guy got to do with anything?" </p><p>"I need enough space for the lollipop to fit." </p><p>There was a rather long, awkward moment of silence as they simply stared at each other. </p><p>Toushirou eventually jerked his gaze to the side. "The nurse's taking too long. What's Yamazaki doing? I'll have him commit seppuku when he comes back. No, actually, I should just kill him myself." Seppuku or murder, always a tough choice.</p><p>"Ah, really," the Yorozuya agreed. "I'm bleeding to death here. Where's my tax money going if I can't even get a nurse when I need one?" </p><p>"You don't pay taxes," Toushirou absently retorted as he glanced at the red liquid dyeing a part of the silver curls.  </p><p>It didn't look like it was bleeding to death, but was it still bleeding? He brought a hand there, lifting the unruly hair tentatively as he searched for the wound. Judging from the Yorozuya's unhealthy amount of remaining energy, he guessed it was nothing more than a simple scalp injury. Still, since Yamazaki had apparently decided that now was a good time to go shopping for anpan instead of doing his job, he figured he could at least stop the bleeding himself. </p><p>"Stay here," he said as he went to look for a first-aid kit. </p><p>"Very funny," came a grunted response and, okay, maybe he'd deserved that one. </p><p>Being used to his dangerous job, Toushirou was more or less familiar with the layout of the nurse room. He didn't have to wait long before he found the right cupboard, containing the desired first-aid kit as well as other... medicinal things he wished he'd never known the existence of. He sat back to the Yorozuya's side, opening the white box to fish out a bottle of antiseptic and some gauze. </p><p>The silver-haired man watched him silently, his eyes following the movements of his hands as they worked. </p><p>Toushirou took a second, more careful look at the wound, trying to see the amount of dirt he'd have to clean. He was pretty sure the wall had crumbled a little bit at the impact, which would justify the presence of leftover debris. Trust the man's iron skull to only piss out some blood where most would get an open head wound. Was this guy made of solid rock or something? </p><p>Ah, but rocks didn't stretch. </p><p>"Hey, be more gentle. I feel like you're digging into my skull." </p><p>"Bear with it," Toushirou said as he brushed off some more bits from the injury. "This much should be a walk in the park for someone like you." </p><p>"The fact that I've known worse doesn't mean I don't find it bad." </p><p>Trust the man's iron stupidity to always manage to get on Toushirou's nerves. "I see. Should I make it worse, then?" </p><p>He very accidentally tore off a few strands of hair. </p><p>"Agh!" The man cried. "Domestikku Bayorensu!" </p><p>"Who are you calling 'domestic'?" Toushirou snapped as he wet the gauze in antiseptic. "Stop whining." </p><p>He pressed the gauze over the wound, somewhat proud of his work despite the surrounding mess. Now he'd only have to keep the gauze in place for a little over ten minutes to let the blood clog and his job would be done; the rest was for the nurse to figure out. </p><p>A small breath left him. From fatigue, or relief, or simply from a sense of achievement, he didn't know. Not that it mattered, really. It was only that the adrenaline was receding and now he wished he was the one laying down on a futon instead. </p><p>The Yorozuya's red eyes slid up to him at the sound. Under the dim lighting, they boasted an almost wine color, full of depth yet unreadable at the same time. Toushirou briefly wondered what his own eyes looked like as they met the other's stare. Wondered if they would reflect that same, strange shade of an unspeakable something they seemed to share. </p><p>He also briefly wondered what he was doing. </p><p>He jerked his head away.  </p><p>The Yorozuya still had his dirty boots on, he realized, growing somewhat irritated at the vision. Keeping one's shoes on was a blatant disrespect to the thirty-sixth article of the Kyokuchuu Hatto, and as the vice-commander of the Shinsengumi, he couldn't possibly allow it. </p><p>"Hold this," he said as he scooted down to reach for the man's boots. </p><p>The gauze fell to the side with a condescending<em> plop</em>. </p><p>"<em>Hijikata</em>-<em>kun</em>," the Yorozuya called in a carefully pleasant tone. "Are you doing it on purpose or are you just really that dumb?" </p><p>Toushirou cleared his throat. "Shut up," he said, before picking up the cloth and pressing it back where it belonged. This whole paralyzed thing sure was inconvenient. </p><p>He still wouldn't give up on getting the man's shoes off, so he tried stretching both arms to reach for one side while keeping the gauze in place on the other. It would have worked had the shoes been anything else than goddamn vinyl up-to-the-knees boots. Who'd given the moron his ridiculous fashion sense anyway? Whoever it was, the person surely hadn't done it with good intentions. </p><p>"Hijikata-kun," the Yorozuya called again, and wasn't he getting tired of sing-songing his name every other sentence? "What exactly is this? A twisted version of Twister?" </p><p>"Shut up," Toushirou said, <em> again</em>. "I need to focus right now." </p><p>"Could you, I don't know, maybe <em> focus </em> <em> your butt out of my face</em>, then?" </p><p>Toushirou spared a second to sympathize with the man -whose face was indeed a short distance away from his ass as he was currently attempting to tug the blood-sucking boots off with the use of his two hands while holding the cloth in place with a foot- but finally decided against it.  </p><p>It was a waste of goodwill. </p><p>"How about you focus your feet out of those black holes you call shoes first?" Toushirou suggested through gritted teeth. </p><p>"In case you need<em> yet </em>another reminder, <em> I </em> can't exactly focus<em> anything </em>right n- <em> umph</em><em>!"</em></p><p>Toushirou felt torn between the satisfaction of having finally taken off one boot out of the two and the dreadful realization that something that felt suspiciously like someone's nose was currently digging into his ass as a consequence.  </p><p>He didn't have time to make his choice because, <em> of course</em>, Yama-friggin-zaki chose this exact moment to slide the door open. </p><p>As the poor excuse of a Shinsengumi member stood there, eyes glazed over like he'd just seen something he wished he hadn't and half-eaten anpan dropping forgotten to the floor, Toushirou realized there was really only one choice to make.  </p><p><em> Seppuku </em>and<em> murder. </em> </p><p>*  </p><p>It was nearing dawn when the Yorozuya stirred. Toushirou watched as he snapped his eyes open, silver eyebrows forming a rare frown and pale lips thinning as the expression on his face bordered on panic for the briefest second. A deep breath and it was gone, leaving place to the usual apathetic dead-fish eyes and lax features.   </p><p>Although the light was bare, the residual shadow of a nightmare hung onto his lashes still.  </p><p>“As expected, you’re up early.”  </p><p>If the man startled, he didn't let it show. “What's this," he said, voice surprisingly clear. "Watching me sleep now? Are you following your commander’s example on how to become a stalker? Please don’t, one is already enough for me.”  </p><p>“One should be one too many,” Toushirou pointed out.  </p><p>“What, so you <em>do </em>understand.”  </p><p>Toushirou put down the brush he’d been using to get some paperwork done. The nurse room was empty except for the two of them, one laid down on a futon while the other was sitting at the nurse’s desk. A single desk lamp was casting a yellow light over the tatami, gradually fading as the sunrise took over.  </p><p>“The nurse said you’d sleep for a good ten hours but you just had to cut that down to a third, huh?” He cracked his neck. “Good thing you’re so predictably unpredictable.”  </p><p>“So you’ve been waiting for me to wake up for three hours? Who are you, the prince charming to my sleeping beauty?”  </p><p>“Apologise to the concept of beauty, dickface.”  </p><p>“It’s fine, beauty likes me. She pays me a drink every other day.”  </p><p>“She's just pitying you because you're piss-poor.”  </p><p>“Are you jealous cause she's ignoring you? Say woof while spinning three times around yourself and I might help you hook up with her.”  </p><p>“Apotoxin 4869.”  </p><p>The Yorozuya blinked. “What?”  </p><p>“The name of the drug in your system right now.”   </p><p>He frowned. “What's this... feels like I’ve heard that name somewhere...”  </p><p>“It’s a highly illegal drug usually found in rape-related crimes.” Toushirou turned off the light when he figured it was no longer needed. “Although coming from the Harusame, I guess that’s not surprising.”  </p><p>“Like... in another anime...”  </p><p>“The drug is originally from Planet BO so it makes sense that it’s in possession of a group of amanto like them.”  </p><p>“...more like Planet Copyright Infringement." </p><p>Toushirou tapped his fingers on the wood of the desk. “What doesn’t make sense is your relation to that group.”  </p><p>All of a sudden, the man went mute.  </p><p>“<em>'That </em> <em> Kiheitai </em> <em> ship months ago’</em>... As I thought, you were the one to bring Takasugi down with Katsura that one time.”  </p><p>“Did you wait for me to wake up just so you could throw your deductions at my face?”  </p><p>“No.” Toushirou fished out his cigarette pack from the back pocket of his vest. “I stayed because I knew you’d try to make a run for it the moment you blinked your eyes open.”  </p><p>“Who do you take me for, a Super Saiyan? I can’t even move my neck.”  </p><p>Toushirou took out a cigarette, settling it between his lips. “I’m not making the mistake of underestimating you like that white-faced bastard did.”  </p><p>“That was then and this is now.”  </p><p>As he absently studied the outline of the other man’s face, Toushirou wondered what would have happened had the ‘then’ and the ‘now’ been reversed. Judging from what the space pirate had said, the Yorozuya had escaped a miserable fate by the skin of his teeth. He wondered what would have happened had he given in to the man’s irritating rebuttals, had he accepted to leave him alone on that cold, lonely bench.   </p><p>He burned the thought away with a flick of his lighter.  </p><p>The silver-haired man frowned in increasing displeasure as Toushirou stood up only to sit down again right by his face.   </p><p>“What are you doing?” He asked.  </p><p>“Smoking,” Toushirou answered.  </p><p>“No, what are you doing smoking so close to me?” He grimaced when a cloud of smoke landed near his face. “Is this an attempt at killing me by proxy? Get it away from me.”  </p><p>“No.”  </p><p>“What do you mean <em>‘no’?"</em></p><p>“No, I won’t move,” Toushirou stated plainly. “Do you hate it?”  </p><p>He was offered a flat look. “Are you an idiot?”  </p><p>Touhsirou ignored the provocation. “Do you hate not being able to do anything? Unable to move a single finger to protect what matters, not even to protect yourself?” He blew out some more smoke. “Do you hate it, Yorozuya?”  </p><p>The man remained silent, but his expression darkened. In threat, probably. A threat not to probe too deeply where it hurt.  </p><p>Toushirou repressed a chuckle; he’d hit a nerve, hadn’t he.  </p><p>“Yeah, you hate it. It’s written all over your face.” He took another whiff of his cigarette, enjoying the rising tension in the air. No doubt the silver-haired man would be seconds away from throttling him had he had the power to do so. “You know what, Yorozuya? You’re the idiot.”  </p><p>A silver eyebrow twitched. “What are you getting at?”  </p><p>“You think you can do something when you can’t and think you’re done for when you haven’t even started.”  </p><p>“I don’t understand a single word you’re saying, Mr. Yoda wannabe. Stop talking in riddles and give it to me straight.”  </p><p>Toushirou puffed out some smoke<em> straight </em>into the other’s face.  </p><p>“Not that kind of straight!”   </p><p>Toushirou smirked before focusing back on the task at hand. He looked into the other’s eyes as he spoke. “What I’m saying is, even if you can’t do anything, <em> others </em>can. Stop trying to be the Saiyan you’re not and get your shit together, Yorozuya.”  </p><p>The silver-haired man considered him for a moment.  </p><p>Almost a moment too long. </p><p>Finally, he sighed. “Who are you, my mom?”  </p><p>“No, I’m the guy who had to drag your sorry ass all the way here at shit o'clock in the morning.” Toushirou clicked his tongue at the memory. “I’m definitely getting back at you later for that bite.”  </p><p>A snort. “What are you gonna do, bite me back?”  </p><p>“I might.”  </p><p>The stunned red eyes were worth the joke, Toushirou thought. But before he could go further with it, Sougo appeared at the door.  </p><p>“Good morning, Danna, how are you feeling?”  </p><p>“Terrible, thanks.”  </p><p>Sougo chuckled, walking closer to sit next to them. “Waking up to the sight of that thing,” he said, pointing at Toushirou, “I can’t blame you for feeling terrible.”  </p><p>“Your personality's what’s terrible,” Toushirou grunted, already feeling the beginning of a headache. “What of the report? News from Harada?”  </p><p>“Harada-san managed to shadow the amanto they’d let escape," Sougo said. "It seems he’s hiding in a small spaceship at the docks. Harada-san thinks their boss is hiding there too.”  </p><p>Toushirou nodded. “Good enough for me.”   </p><p>He was about to stand up when he heard the Yorozuya’s displeased voice.  </p><p>“Oi oi, what do you mean ‘good enough for me’? You’re not thinking of facing them, are you?”  </p><p>“I’m thinking that exactly,” Toushirou said as he stood up.   </p><p>“And<em> you’re </em>telling me to get my shit together? Those guys are from the Harusame,” he reminded as if Toushirou wasn’t aware. “Can you really afford to take them on with that uniform on your back?”  </p><p>Toushirou went to pick up his sword and vest, still lying near the desk. "That guy didn't come here as a member of the Harusame," he said. "He's just a vengeful ghost. I doubt his superiors even know he's here."  </p><p>"First, he's not a ghost," the Yorozuya retorted because he always had to say something. "And second, he's not<em> your </em>vengeful ghost. He's mine, go find your own."  </p><p>“Mine or not, I can’t let him do as he pleases.” He hung his sword on his belt and put on his vest. “If I do, I’ll end up with a townful of vengeful ghouls on my hands instead and I refuse to have your dickface be the reason for more work on my desk.”   </p><p>Just as he was about to open the sliding door, the silver-haired man’s voice picked up again.    </p><p>“Are you one of them?”  </p><p>When he looked back, the red eyes were looking away. "Of those ghouls, I mean."  </p><p>Toushirou considered him for a moment, weighing his options as he pondered an answer to the question hidden within. When the ash of his cigarette piled up and dropped, he shrugged.  </p><p>"Who knows."  </p><p>The door opened and closed with the smooth sound of wood against wood. As he held his back to the room for a second too long, he heard Sougo's voice.  </p><p>"He just can't be honest, that man."   </p><p>"Whatever," the silver-haired man said, and Toushirou could almost hear him smiling. "That way suits him best."  </p><p>Sougo hummed. "Well, to be fair, you're not that different, Danna."  </p><p>"Shut up and go buy me JUMP, snotty brat."  </p><p>Toushirou cracked a smile and left, putting out his cigarette on the closest ashtray.  </p><p>*  </p><p>The sun had already risen above the horizon when he reached the docks, but the fresh, crisp air of morning riding the water was still fully present. Toushirou breathed in a good dose of it, enjoying the peace of mind it brought almost as much as he did his smokes.   </p><p>Yamazaki and Harada were waiting in the car, in case things went wrong. Toushirou was convinced they wouldn’t. Now that he’d been warned of what the amanto had up his sleeves, both literally and figuratively, the enemy was barely a threat anymore. Besides, he wanted to take on the guy alone. Up close and personal, as they said.  </p><p>He rounded a warehouse and caught sight of a small spaceship. But before he could take a step toward it, he felt two presences settling on each side of him.  </p><p>He didn’t draw his sword.  </p><p>“This isn’t a place for kids,” he said instead.  </p><p>“Where’s the idiot?” China asked, her voice lower than usual.  </p><p>“Reading JUMP at the barracks. What are you doing here?”  </p><p>“Okita-san called us,” Glasses answered. “He said he needed us for a job and that you’d be the one paying.”  </p><p>“That prick.”  </p><p>China huffed. “As if I’d accept any job coming from the sadist jerk. I only came because he said you knew where Gin-chan went.”  </p><p>“I told you he’s at the barracks, so what are you still doing here?”  </p><p>Glasses was gripping a wooden sword in his hand, eyes hidden behind a reflection of light. “Hijikata-san, how is he?”  </p><p>Toushirou internally sighed. “How much have you heard?”  </p><p>“Not enough,” China muttered.  </p><p>Her fists were clenched with the promise of upcoming violence. Toushirou was pretty sure ‘not enough’ meant ‘enough to know something had happened that shouldn’t have happened’.  </p><p>Not exactly vengeful ghouls yet, but close enough.  </p><p>“He’s fine,” Toushirou said. “Probably won’t move for a day or two but that’ll do more good than bad for all of us.”  </p><p>“He’s here, isn’t he?” China asked. “The one who did this to Gin-chan.”  </p><p>“Technically speaking, he did this to himself,” Toushirou argued although he knew it was pointless.  </p><p>“Sorry, Hijikata-san,” Glasses said. “A job’s a job.”  </p><p>Well, Toushirou figured it would have been naive to assume he could be the only one moving in that perm-headed idiot’s stead. As much as the man himself refused to see it, he had more than just two arms and legs.   </p><p>Proof of the matter, there were three more pairs of each right there.  </p><p>“I’m not giving you money,” he said.  </p><p>Glasses chuckled. “Wouldn't be the first time.”  </p><p>“It’s fine, I’ll just go mug the chestnut brat later,” China said.  </p><p>“Oi, don’t say that kind of thing in front of a policeman,” Toushirou warned although he'd admit he wasn't exactly against the idea.  </p><p>They walked up to the spaceship and Toushirou let the hair buns girl work her magic on the door. He stepped over the bent metal, coming inside the ship with his hands in his pockets.  </p><p>“Entering someone's place without knocking is bad manners.”  </p><p>He grinned at the now familiar voice. The amanto was standing a few meters ahead, his face too impassive to properly hide his annoyance.  </p><p>“Trying to kill someone’s acquaintance before their eyes is bad manners,” Toushirou corrected, before drawing his sword. “Shall we have a little chat, Mr. Space Vice-Commander?”  </p><p>*  </p><p>When they got back to the barracks, China all but pounced on her permed guardian.  </p><p>“Yay! Time to get a hold of all of Gin-chan's weaknesses!”  </p><p>Her victim grunted at the added weight on his ribcage and grimaced. “Somebody, get this biohazard off me.”  </p><p>“Now, now,” Glasses said pleasantly as he ambled closer. “Kagura-chan, don’t forget that he's still a patient.” He sat down and fished out a pink bottle from a small plastic bag. “Gin-san, we brought you some strawberry milk.”  </p><p>The Yorozuya gave one of his ridiculous goofy smiles, completely ignoring the crazed alien girl assaulting all but every inch of his body to find a ticklish spot. “Shinpachi, my man!”  </p><p>Glasses chuckled. “This sure feels nostalgic. I remember when you were the one to bring me strawberry milk after I got into an accident and broke my leg that one time.”  </p><p>The permed man smiled, somehow managing to overlook the fact that China had started to strip him. “You’ve grown a lot since then, huh? The power of calcium has made you into a worthy man, Shinpachi-kun.”  </p><p>“I didn’t get to drink any of it, Gin-san. You drank that calcium all by yourself, Gin-san.”  </p><p>“A worthy man,” the man repeated, nodding solemnly to himself.  </p><p>“Shinpachi,” China whined as she sat dejected on top of the bare-chested perm head. “I keep tickling him but he doesn’t react. It’s not fun at all.”  </p><p>The Yorozuya snickered. “Naive, Kagura-kun. Tickles are but a necessary plot element to make two high school rom-com protagonists tumble together and accidentally end up in a compromising position. But Gin-san’s a grown-up! He doesn’t need tickles to get some puff-puff action, and therefore doesn’t have any weak spot for you to ex... ploit...“  </p><p>His mocking tone gradually withered to a whimper as he noticed the sinister expression on her face.  </p><p>She cracked her knuckles. “Oi, shitty perm. Laugh or I break all your Kestuno Ana's figures, hear me?”  </p><p>Toushirou wondered how she could even think that such a dumb threat would work, but he was proven wrong when the Yorozuya started laughing nervously. Who knew, maybe he could try doing the same with the Jouishishi. Katsura seemed pretty hung up on Famicoms after all; there should be one or two the Shinsengumi could Famidnap and hold as Famistages to finally Famistroy the rebels... </p><p>Before that though, he should probably get some sleep. </p><p>"Out of the way, China," Sougo said as he walked through the door. "I'll show you how to really torture someone." </p><p>"No way," she growled. "Torturing Gin-chan is my job. Scram, peanuts." </p><p>"Oi," the Yorozuya called a bit desperately. "Could we maybe not make torturing me into a job?" </p><p>"Don't worry, Danna, I just came back from my other job."  </p><p>Sougo showed off the bag he was holding in a hand, prompting an unbridled expression of joy on the perm head's face.  </p><p>“<em>Finally</em>. It only took you the better part of an hour. What did you do, help out a thousand grannies trying to cross the road?”  </p><p>Sougo chuckled. “Sorry, Danna, I had some trouble finding the right one. Besides, heroes always arrive late, you know?" </p><p>"Yes, sure." </p><p>He fished out a multi-colored book from his bag and handed it to Glasses. "Enjoy your read," he said innocently. </p><p>Too innocently. </p><p>Even the Yorozuya had to notice that something was amiss. "Shinpachi, he didn't lace it in poison or anything, right? He didn't spill coffee on the last page of Hanger x Hanger right?" </p><p>"I don't think so," Glasses answered, his eyes growing dim as he examined the book. "But, Gin-san, this... this isn't JUMP." </p><p>"Eh?" </p><p>"This is Akamaru JUMP." </p><p>As something snapped – sounding suspiciously like the Yorozuya's sanity – Sougo turned to look at China's face and smirked.  </p><p>"May you learn from that, <em> amateur </em>." </p><p>Something else snapped, which sounded suspiciously like China's self-control.  </p><p>"Give me back my suffix reading time, jerk!" She roared before pouncing on him. </p><p>A depressingly familiar scene of chaos ensued, and Toushirou figured he didn’t need to watch any longer. His job was done and he was dead tired after more than 16 hours up and about. It was about time he got some private cuddling time with his futon.  </p><p>He was about to go when someone called him. </p><p>“Hijikata-san, are you leaving?”  </p><p>He turned around to meet Glasses' inquiring eyes.   </p><p>“Yeah,” he said. “Make sure to haul that deadweight home yourselves.”  </p><p>The boy smiled. “Thank you, Hijikata-san.”  </p><p>Toushirou took in the soft eyes and genuinely grateful expression, something warming a little inside him at the sight. His gaze unknowingly drifted to the Yorozuya. </p><p>The moment their eyes met, the other man looked away.  </p><p><em> Can't be honest, huh. </em>  </p><p>He snorted.  </p><p>“Yeah,” he said again before leaving the chaos to fend for itself.  </p><p>*  </p><p>Toushirou was making his usual rounds around the Kabuki District when he saw him.  </p><p>The sun was high, 2:34 pm on the dot. Most citizens were coming back from their lunch break, heading busily in this or that direction with a renewed spring to their step. All that were left now were the ones who’d nowhere to hurry back to. The retired old men, for one; the carefree kids, for another.  </p><p>The drifters who'd realized what in life truly mattered.  </p><p>Toushirou looked at the figure in front of him and briefly wondered what category this one belonged to. Maybe all three. Most likely none.  </p><p>This one was just a moron.  </p><p>“Yo,” the man said, a hand raised in greeting. “Busy day, Mr. Officer?”  </p><p>“Busy enough without you in it,” Toushirou replied. “What do you want?”  </p><p>“My my,” the man said as he raised two placating hands in the air. “With such a deep-diving frown, I doubt you even had time to grab lunch today. Am I wrong?”  </p><p>“What’s it to you?”  </p><p>He grinned. “I happen to know a good restaurant around here. How about it?”  </p><p>Toushirou narrowed his eyes. “Go find someone else to pay for your meals, you bum.”  </p><p>“Don’t worry your cheapskate self,” the man said. “I’m paying.”  </p><p>Toushirou snorted. “I don’t believe those words coming from your mouth.”  </p><p>“Oi oi, I may not look like it, but I’m still a man of my word, you know? And I did promise you 300 yen.”  </p><p>Toushirou looked at him. Looked at that easy smile and the just-a-twinge-softer-than-usual eyes. Looked at the man that could barely hold himself together a few nights ago now standing straight, strong, on his own two feet as he faced Toushirou.   </p><p>The man called Sakata Gintoki.  </p><p>He chuckled. “What kind of meal is only worth 300 yen?”  </p><p>The red eyes twinkled.  </p><p>“Trust me, the best kind.” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>BONUS: </p><p>"Kondou-san, what are you eating?" </p><p>"Mh? Oh, this? It's Meiji's newly released strawberry milk flavored chocolate bar. Want to try?" </p><p>"I thought the most recent one was strawberry, not strawberry milk." </p><p>"This is even newer. Seems like the owner of Meiji Corp. made a fateful encounter that inspired him or something. It was in the news this morning." </p><p>"..." </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Aaaaand that's it. No steamy action or anything. Not even the mandatory kiss scene. Are you frustrated? Are you? </p><p>Yeah, me too.</p><p>(but hey, at least we got Twister!)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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